If you’re reading this, chances are you’re feeling a little low. Maybe the guy who you were really into suddenly stopped texting you. Maybe you guys had sex and he said he’d call you but never did. Or maybe it was just another lousy Tinder date fail. Whatever the reason or cause for you feeling a little shitty, just know that A) you’re not alone and B) what you’re feeling is NORMAL!
Women have been conditioned in our society to feel as though we’re constantly crazy, “psycho”, overreacting, too emotional or must be PMSing the SECOND we admit to ourselves that we’re hurt. The worst part is that your emotions are ACTUALLY probably valid and likely completely justified given your situation. Let me ask you this: do you really know why emotions such as sadness and anger truly come about?
From my time in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) I learned a lot about emotions. One part of DBT is known as Emotional Regulation Skills. A major part of Emotional Regulation Skills is learning when an emotion “justified” or “unjustified”. That is not to say that if an emotion is unjustified than it is wrong and you shouldn’t feel that way. Rather, it is a way to evaluate if our emotions correlate with whatever situation is occurring in your life. My point being, it’s normal to feel like shit when a guy treats you like shit, and you should let yourself feel that way *for a little bit*.
The main emotions I find myself feeling when I’ve had issues with guys in the past is sadness, anger, shame and guilt.
We feel SADNESS when:
- we’ve lost something or someone (ex: guy stops texting girl, guy breaks up with girl *or vice versa*)
- things did not turn out the way we expected or wanted (ex: girl hooks up with guy and hope it becomes something more, but it doesn’t.)
We feel ANGER when:
- an important goal of our is blocked (ex: girl wants guy to become her boyfriend but guy isn’t looking for “anything serious” right now)
- you or somebody who you care about is hurt or attacked (ex: guy says he doesn’t have feelings for girl)
- you or somebody who you care about is threatened or insulted (ex: guy says girl is just not his type)
We feel SHAME when:
- you are rejected by a person or group (ex: guy breaks up with girl, guy stops texting girl, guy hooks up with girl and never calls back)
We feel GUILT when:
- your behaviors go against your own morals or values (ex: girl hooks up with guy to try and become something more like a relationship but guy rejects her anyway)
You can look through the “Check the Facts” worksheet to see what other justifiable emotions there are.
So, now that you can justify yourself for feeling sad, angry, ashamed etc. here are 5 things you can do to cope with the shitty feels *as illustrated by amazing Sex and the City gifs*.
1. Let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling
Maybe this sounds redundant, but it is necessary to know. Maybe you’re feeling sad or angry. Maybe you feel confused, ashamed, as though you were “played”, or a combination of these.
Maybe the guy you were with was just a fling lasting no more than a few weeks or maybe just one hookup. Or maybe you were in a committed relationship that lasted several months or longer. Regardless of how long whatever “it” was lasted, you have a right to feel shitty afterwards. Sometimes our natural reaction to feeling negative emotions like sadness and anger is to no longer feel it. Obviously, it feels shitty to feel shitty. But the best and healthiest way to cope through these emotions is to feel them. The short road would be to pacify these feelings with excessive drinking, smoking or drugs. But I can promise you, in the long, these things will only hurt you more and make the hole you are in even deeper.
2. Take a shower
Whether you’re a shower person or bath person, just clean yourself. And take your time with it. Make yourself feel pampered. Cry in there if you need to. Shave your legs, do a face mask, put on some lotion and brush your hair. Make yourself feel cared for because someone else failed to do that for you.
3. Play that song
No, not the song that makes you think of him, OR a song that makes you cry. I’m talking about that pump-up song that no matter what you’re doing when it comes on, you have to sing or dance along to it. And then do that. Dance in the mirror like a lunatic. Trust me, dance = movement = endorphins, it’ll help. Whatever your cardio is, find it, and do it.
They even have spotify playlists for this!!! Some of my go-to songs are:
“House Party” and “Leave the Night On” by Sam Hunt
“Best Thing I Never Had” By BEYONCÉ (honestly anything by Queen B)
“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” by Taylor Swift (also old school T-Swift that you know all the words to BUT NOT WHITE HORSE OR FOREVER & ALWAYS!!!)
“Gives You Hell” by The All-American Rejects
“Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye
And many, many more!
4. Watch something that always makes you laugh
Bob’s burgers, Full House, FULLER HOUSE, Friends, Family Guy, Sirens (this show is good and on netflix!!), THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW, *cough* Sex and the City *cough*, and so many more. Read trashy magazines or a book you’ve been meaning to get to. Guilty pleasures. Youtube videos of babies or dogs or babies and dogs. Guilty pleasures. Guilty pleasures.
5. Write him a letter
But don’t send it!!! This is a great alternative to sending him that late-night risky text you scribed over a half eaten pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Write out everything you want to tell him and don’t hold back, because the best part is that you don’t have to send it! Tell him how he hurt you, what a dick move that was and how you deserve so, SO much better. After you write your heart out, sign it something sassy like, xoxo The One That Got Away *& RIP IT UP & THROW IT OUT!!! 🙂
Hopefully at least one if not all of these tips can help you get through you post-hookup/breakup/fling/I-don’t-even-know-what-we-were-but-it-still-hurts feelings. Remember, you’re allowed to feel bad and it’s NORMAL to feel that way. Don’t let society make you feel weak for crying over something others might just shrug off as meaningless. YOU. DO. YOU.